“Are you ready to go?”

“Yes, I guess”

“Got your suitcase?”

“Yeah it is right here”

We left the apartment for Sacred Heart Medical Center,

over the last several weeks I had been in police cars,

all though many of them were unmarked,

I still didn’t like them.  Even if I had changed my

mind about Sacred Heart, it wouldn’t matter;

I was going there anyways.

We arrived at the destination, my heart

pounding I was nervous, I had never been in a

psych ward before, what the hell am I dong here? 

I don’t want this, I don’t need this, I just want

to get the hell out of here; but I had a feeling

that was no longer an option.

Ding. The elevator has arrived. “After you”

“Thanks”.

Before I knew it; we were in front of a door

with a sign that read locked, press button

to gain access.  The two officers that were

with me must of known I was terrified, yet

they remained calm, I wonder how many

times had they been to this place? They

seemed to know it fairly well.  Soon a

nurse came to the door and opened it,

she had company, a man; not very tall,

but stout, must be for difficult patients.

“Dropping of Prouty” one of the officers said.

 “We can take it from here” replied the nurse,

 and with that the officers left.

No goodbyes or anything.

 “You have to be on suicide watch for 72 hours.

  You are allowed only in this enclosed area. 

You have a bed in your room. You are not

allowed in the commons.  All things

such as toothbrushes, combs will be given

to you with a person watching.  You can not

shave while here, there are no razors”

She showed me my room, there was

nothing in it except a bed, no television

or anything, just a damn bed, lovely I thought,

 this isn’t going to help with my depression.

I don’t know which would be

beneficial, distracting from Tabitha’s

death with TV and other activities or

simply laying on a stupid bed with nothing

 to do but watch the ceiling thinking

about Tabitha?  If someone isn’t suicidal

before they get in this room I bet they are after.

Every 30 minutes, Mr. Stout came

and checked on me.  My first evening

passed by and I knew I was getting closer

to being out of lockup. During the day there

 was a small room area they could let us into,

but not the commons and no TV and always

supervised. Next to the fiberglass nurse station

My next-door neighbor was Sarah, we

talked a lot and became friends, and I learned

a lot about Sarah while there.  When I thought

 my life sucked, especially after Tabitha’s

death, learning Sarah’s story just made

 me want to cry.

She had triplets and it was actually a

 big thing in Spokane, they didn’t have

money at the time and the television stations

all banded together to help pay all medical

cost for Sarah and the kids.  Even the birth

of the triplets was on the news.  Several years

 passed by and the relationship with her

husband turned bad.

Sarah came home one day after work

 and couldn’t find her children anywhere

nor was her husband there, it was believed

that out of hate and revenge; he took the

children somewhere and killed them, but

 it could never be proven.  He was locked

up in jail for refusing to tell authorities

what happened to the children and he was

 still there while Sarah was at Sacred Heart.

Sarah became my friend, it seemed that

 two people who’s worlds were just turned

 upside down had found each other to form

 a friendship.  It was apparent that we needed

each other to help us through what both of us

 were going through inside our minds.

 “The doctor is here now”  “What doctor?” “Your psychiatrist”,

"I moved back home to Walla Walla

and stayed with my parents, little had

changed.  My parents would still fight all

the time mostly my mother instigating it

They knew about my drug problem,

but they were not aware of everything

that went on in Spokane".

"My parents were hard on me when I

 came back, they made life a living hell,

 I could never live down the drugs and

 alcohol and they didn’t understand it. 

I felt I would never live up to their standards, 

all I wanted was to be accepted by them.

All my life I looked for that acceptance

which never came".

"Then after being put down, time and time 

again I was tired.  I had just written a

newspaper article about poverty and

 my parents were upset on how that might

look in regards to them.  I was already a huge 

wreck from Spokane and now this".

"I got my hand on pills of speed –

about 200 or so and took them trying to

kill myself.  I would be transported to

hospital by ambulance and my parents

 were no longer allowed to see me. 

I would check out of the hospital after

several days and leave with a friend who's

mother worked at the hospital; she offered

me a place to stay".

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"On a Sunday I would leave Stefanies 

to get my last pick-up load, I left at 3:00 pm.

 The drive to Seattle is about 5 hours or 

so.  Stefanie thought I would spend

night and head back the next day.  I never,

I packed my bags and headed home

 immediately, I couldn’t wait to be with her.

  I decided to stop by a 24 hour Safeway

 and bring flowers to her.  But the moment

I pulled into our place, it all changed".

Inserts from chapters 14-15

“I could see that officer Baston was

backing up.  I illuminated the subject

with my flashlight.  I then noticed the

subject had a gun in his right hand and

had it pointed at officer Baston.  I immediately

 pulled my pistol, ordered the subject to

put down the gun and began squeezing

 the trigger”"